Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Thankful for My husband (17/1000)

On Friday it will be 17 years since I , in a huge full on BoPeep frock with puffy sleeves and underskirts galore, married Matthew, surrounded by our friends and family. Almost 17 years since we danced our first dance to 'Years from Now' by Dr Hook, Matthew smiling as he counted the steps 1,2,3 in his head and he trod on my toes. We had hopes and dreams but no idea where those first steps would take us, but I will be forever grateful that 'love has kept us together'

For just a few years later after an appointment with a consultant being told that my condition would make adding children into our dream a nigh on impossibility I remember in an angry fit of tears telling him I should never have married him, and had I known in advance I would have never said yes. I remember he told me that even had he known before he would still have asked me and would still have married me.

You see for Matthew I was enough, he chose me as I was, he loved me the girl, not me the future mum. As Matthew tells it he know from the first smile that he would marry me, he decided then and there as we were introduced that I was the one.

A further few years later and a combination of fertility drugs and miracles gave us twin boys and we became more. I loved it, sharing late night feeds, watching baseball at 4am but the longer term effects of the fertility drugs and pregnancy hormones played havoc with my emotions and after 6 months I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

This time was horrid, I was horrid, I said things that should never have been said, I'm grateful I only remember some. I was self absorbed, I just about managed a limited amount of parenting, but my daily achievements rarely extended to being a half decent wife. Practical things like shopping and laundry and cooking were very hit and miss, we either had empty cupboards or so much food the fridges were overflowing. The partnership of marriage disintegrated and I gave nothing at all in turn for all that Matthew gave me. I had no interest in his day, no care for his worries, I gave no support or encouragement. Instead I bullied and exasperated him, he would pull up outside our house at the end of work and wonder whether to come in or just keep driving. I was truly blessed because each day he came in, I had no control over myself at that time and he knew that, he knew that 'me' was lost, trapped inside a cloud of darkness and every day he came in hoping that I had found my way home...and eventually I did. As the darkness lifted we walked our way back to where we had been together and once again 'we' became 'more', and have kept on walking together.

Matthew hung on in with our marriage even when he no longer knew the person he was married to. He is not perfect, he screws up. Sometimes his gift buying falls short..(a lime green rucksack cool bag as an anniversary present and pink toning trainers for mothers day come to mind), sometimes he tries to fix my problem when I want a hug and then other times he hugs me when I want him to save me, (it's a women's prerogative to change her mind ...right??). He can infuriate me, frustrate me, drive me round the bend, but boy do I love him.

He has an amazing laugh, he makes me smile, he is a great dad, a great friend, a great server. He makes me feel wanted and loved, he encourages me and challenges me. He prays for me ( and probably about me too..) and for our children. He invests his time in me, in friendships, in being a dad. He believes in me and who I am and all that I can be.

So Happy Anniversary Matthew, it's been a blast!


Years from now, I'll want you years from now
And I'll hold you years from now, as I love you tonight

You are my one true friend, always my one true friend
And I'll love you 'til life's end, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
But still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
Still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight