Monday, 13 July 2009

A Lesson Learned

Well 2 posts in one month - should keep one of my 2 followers happy.!!

This month I learned one of those lessons that just creeps up on you, no blinding flash of light, I did not even realise I hadn't already learned it.

About 6 years ago my mum was diagnosed with a hereditary form of cancer (she is well and in remission and all is good there), but I was told that I could have a procedure and test to see if I had it and that would be done when I was 40 as I was not symptomatic. I initially worried about it, spoke to the GP, prayed and decided to hand it over to God, He had a plan for me, and whatever that was I would face it with Him by my side. Job done I laid it down and walked away......

Last week aged 40 (and a bit) I had my colonoscopy (now thats an experience you would not choose) and got results of a nice clean healthy colon - and as I sat and processed this and tsunami size waves of relief washed over me, I sort of crash landed, not in euphoria but in sheer exhaustion that was far beyond the reaction to the medications.

Why did I feel so relieved, yes it was great news, but why did the diagnosis bring about such a huge relief, surely 6 years earlier I had given over my fears and anxieties to God, I had laid them down and walked away. Having done this I should have no great burden to be lifted, but I clearly had been burdened by this, a burden that had grown over time, surreptitiously, invading my spirit, yet I had not noticed it.

That is when I learned that what I had given to God was not my trust, but my fearful prayer that "everything will be okay God, won't it, You won't let this happen to me" and then I ignored it, and the anxiety I thought I had laid down, I actually buried deep within my spirit where it laid dormant, taking up a bit of me, a bit of my life not given to God.

Please don't misunderstand me, I have not felt a huge cloud of oppression over my life, anyone who knows me knows I err more on the perky side of life, each day I choose joy for my life, but there hidden away was my fear and anxiety and lack of trust that would always put a glass ceiling on that joy, my choices were limiting me from getting ALL that God wanted for me.

Burying problems, ignoring fears, is not the same as laying them down, and for me this will not be a one off experience, fear is a weed in my life garden, the roots are deep and the plant is hardy, and the seeds spread far, and I will need to keep digging it up and laying it down, roots exposed to be killed by the light, it will be ongoing, but I have learned to be a better gardener. I have the best tools in my God, and weedkiller comes no stronger than the Holy Spirit!