Well it's been a while since I blogged and at least one of my followers has nagged me several times so here comes entry 3.
I spent last weekend at Cherish - a women's conference at ALC in Bradford. I had a fab time with some great friends and heard some great teaching.
One speaker - Di Wilson was talking about commitment and used the phrase "Wet Haired Mummies" as she spoke about how we need to be committed to motherhood and be prepared to get in the water with our children and not be held back cos we don't think we look good in a swimsuit. As she started my heart sank, she was (as most women conference speakers are), gorgeous, glam and skinny - I am not not skinny though I have claimed glam and gorgeous on a good day!! and I started to feel self conscious. As we looked at her "before" and "after" photos from her own weightloss I thought that actually I dream of being her "before" figure, let alone her "after" figure.
Thoughts of condemnation and guilt began to fill my head, "I was not a wet haired mummy and I needed to look good in a swimsuit to be one and I am usless at dieting and have so little willpower and I was dissapointing my children and if I was skinny I would be a better mummy, and so and so on".
I sank into my seat and began to just lose the joy that I had been feeling, and I felt angry. As a began to switch off, I felt God speak to me and tell me to hear, not just listen. So I pulled myself back to the edge of seat and engaged again and this time heard what God was telling me, and that I was to love myself as I am, and not to allow my insecurities to stop me being the best mum that I can be.
For me that is so much more than weight related, its about being confident that God did not make a mistake with me, does not mean God will only love me if I am skinny, or that he loves me less than someone who has an amazing singing voice, or that he is disappointed with me because I can't bake cakes (thats a whole other blog waiting to written).
Who knows I may lose weight too, I joined a gym 3 months ago and am enjoying that and this week I started treatment for an underactive thyroid which could help we with weightloss, but being skinny will not make my singing voice better or my baking skills improve.
I know i'ts not about the external its the internal, and there may be 100's of people not happy to see my "non skinny" body in a swim or wetsuit but I know 2 little boys who would be delighted to have a wet haired mummy jumping through the waves with them, and somehow I think that God will have a little smile too...Its gonna be a journey and will take a while but I will get my hair wet!!