Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Thankful for My husband (17/1000)

On Friday it will be 17 years since I , in a huge full on BoPeep frock with puffy sleeves and underskirts galore, married Matthew, surrounded by our friends and family. Almost 17 years since we danced our first dance to 'Years from Now' by Dr Hook, Matthew smiling as he counted the steps 1,2,3 in his head and he trod on my toes. We had hopes and dreams but no idea where those first steps would take us, but I will be forever grateful that 'love has kept us together'

For just a few years later after an appointment with a consultant being told that my condition would make adding children into our dream a nigh on impossibility I remember in an angry fit of tears telling him I should never have married him, and had I known in advance I would have never said yes. I remember he told me that even had he known before he would still have asked me and would still have married me.

You see for Matthew I was enough, he chose me as I was, he loved me the girl, not me the future mum. As Matthew tells it he know from the first smile that he would marry me, he decided then and there as we were introduced that I was the one.

A further few years later and a combination of fertility drugs and miracles gave us twin boys and we became more. I loved it, sharing late night feeds, watching baseball at 4am but the longer term effects of the fertility drugs and pregnancy hormones played havoc with my emotions and after 6 months I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

This time was horrid, I was horrid, I said things that should never have been said, I'm grateful I only remember some. I was self absorbed, I just about managed a limited amount of parenting, but my daily achievements rarely extended to being a half decent wife. Practical things like shopping and laundry and cooking were very hit and miss, we either had empty cupboards or so much food the fridges were overflowing. The partnership of marriage disintegrated and I gave nothing at all in turn for all that Matthew gave me. I had no interest in his day, no care for his worries, I gave no support or encouragement. Instead I bullied and exasperated him, he would pull up outside our house at the end of work and wonder whether to come in or just keep driving. I was truly blessed because each day he came in, I had no control over myself at that time and he knew that, he knew that 'me' was lost, trapped inside a cloud of darkness and every day he came in hoping that I had found my way home...and eventually I did. As the darkness lifted we walked our way back to where we had been together and once again 'we' became 'more', and have kept on walking together.

Matthew hung on in with our marriage even when he no longer knew the person he was married to. He is not perfect, he screws up. Sometimes his gift buying falls short..(a lime green rucksack cool bag as an anniversary present and pink toning trainers for mothers day come to mind), sometimes he tries to fix my problem when I want a hug and then other times he hugs me when I want him to save me, (it's a women's prerogative to change her mind ...right??). He can infuriate me, frustrate me, drive me round the bend, but boy do I love him.

He has an amazing laugh, he makes me smile, he is a great dad, a great friend, a great server. He makes me feel wanted and loved, he encourages me and challenges me. He prays for me ( and probably about me too..) and for our children. He invests his time in me, in friendships, in being a dad. He believes in me and who I am and all that I can be.

So Happy Anniversary Matthew, it's been a blast!

Years from now, I'll want you years from now
And I'll hold you years from now, as I love you tonight

You are my one true friend, always my one true friend
And I'll love you 'til life's end, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
But still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
Still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Thankful for Wellies and puddles (14&15/1000) oh and Oskar (16/1000)

This is a few days old now, I seem to get the ideas down and then not post, must try harder methinks or better late than never.

Anyway despite the odd sun breakthrough the recent weather has really begun to get me down, especially when I am tasked with the pre work dog walk, but Oskar, our rescue dog, still needs walking and our route is through some lovely woods and parks but when it is wet it is oh so muddy. Along the way we hit these boggy pits, puddles and ooze of mud and Oskar nimble skips around and occasionally through. I seem to spend my time trying to avoid the squidge and tiptoeing round , using bushes and trees to balance but this time as I walked I remembered the story 'We're Going On a Bear Hunt' I loved this book during my time in a nursery school. I loved reading it with the children, acting it out making noises and see the delight in their faces. If you don't know the story it's basically about some children on an adventure who come across obstacles in their way, long, wavy grass, a deep, cold river, and thick, oozy mud amongst them.

As they reach each obstacle they chant
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no! We've got to go through it!

Sometimes in life we need to go through the stuff, wade on in, take the path least trodden. When faced with hard or challenging situations it can be easy to try and find a way around it, take a much longer route to avoid it. Sometimes even taking the longer route is avoided, and we chose to throw in the towel, and not get to the end at all. At other times when faced with a multi faceted task we pick and chose the bits we want to deal with, and in it all pretend to ourselves that by getting to the end we have achieved, despite having missed experiences and opportunities that although they will challenge us, will ultimately grow us.

One thing in life is guaranteed, we will reach the end of it, but life is not about getting to the end it's about what we go through along the way. We can make choices to tiptoe around stuff, to only step in the footsteps of others, for fear of testing new ground and in doing so we end up with lives that have length, but no depth, no width. Choosing to go through the challenge adds breadth to our experience, adds colour to our world, grows our character, brings both laughter and tears, brings more than we can imagine. It's not easy, sometimes the quick fix is what we will choose, but why not start today with a couple of muddy puddles and just see where they might take you.