Monday 13 July 2009

A Lesson Learned

Well 2 posts in one month - should keep one of my 2 followers happy.!!

This month I learned one of those lessons that just creeps up on you, no blinding flash of light, I did not even realise I hadn't already learned it.

About 6 years ago my mum was diagnosed with a hereditary form of cancer (she is well and in remission and all is good there), but I was told that I could have a procedure and test to see if I had it and that would be done when I was 40 as I was not symptomatic. I initially worried about it, spoke to the GP, prayed and decided to hand it over to God, He had a plan for me, and whatever that was I would face it with Him by my side. Job done I laid it down and walked away......

Last week aged 40 (and a bit) I had my colonoscopy (now thats an experience you would not choose) and got results of a nice clean healthy colon - and as I sat and processed this and tsunami size waves of relief washed over me, I sort of crash landed, not in euphoria but in sheer exhaustion that was far beyond the reaction to the medications.

Why did I feel so relieved, yes it was great news, but why did the diagnosis bring about such a huge relief, surely 6 years earlier I had given over my fears and anxieties to God, I had laid them down and walked away. Having done this I should have no great burden to be lifted, but I clearly had been burdened by this, a burden that had grown over time, surreptitiously, invading my spirit, yet I had not noticed it.

That is when I learned that what I had given to God was not my trust, but my fearful prayer that "everything will be okay God, won't it, You won't let this happen to me" and then I ignored it, and the anxiety I thought I had laid down, I actually buried deep within my spirit where it laid dormant, taking up a bit of me, a bit of my life not given to God.

Please don't misunderstand me, I have not felt a huge cloud of oppression over my life, anyone who knows me knows I err more on the perky side of life, each day I choose joy for my life, but there hidden away was my fear and anxiety and lack of trust that would always put a glass ceiling on that joy, my choices were limiting me from getting ALL that God wanted for me.

Burying problems, ignoring fears, is not the same as laying them down, and for me this will not be a one off experience, fear is a weed in my life garden, the roots are deep and the plant is hardy, and the seeds spread far, and I will need to keep digging it up and laying it down, roots exposed to be killed by the light, it will be ongoing, but I have learned to be a better gardener. I have the best tools in my God, and weedkiller comes no stronger than the Holy Spirit!

4 comments:

  1. You're so right Sue - it's fear that makes us live a smaller life with smaller dreams and expectations about what God can do in and thru us. Great to hear your good health report - and great too to see how God loves you too much to let you stay where you were (in fear)!
    So pleased to see your blog - and to see you adressing fear head-on by letting all your facebook friends know that you blog!she blogs she blogs she blogs! (I'm a happy follower!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so with you on this one Sue...I think we can become very good at the 'it'll be ok won't it God?' prayer in replacement for complete trust in Him.
    Handing my situations completely over to God is something I really struggle with and a lesson He is trying to help me learn but I think it's going to be a long process...oh for the control of what's going to happen when it's going to happen and how it's going to happen!!! But if we could do that then we'd be supernatural wouldn't we??
    Keep blogging my friend very thought provoking stuff xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so pleased that the news was good.....I didnt realise you had all this hanging over you. I have been reading your blog...mainly cos I am nosey...and signed up now....

    you now have 4 followers....keep going Sue....

    ReplyDelete
  4. And I make 5!!

    I have found your honesty and blogs so uplifting.
    I had always held certain things back and not allowed God to take them on - then when I finally handed them over to Him I found myself often trying to take the control back from Him. We have to continually recommit these things into God's hands and ask for His help and reasurance that we can live our lives without fear in the sure knowledge that He will uplift us and keep us safe through our difficulties!
    He knows us so well and knows we are not perfect. It comes as no surprise that we get it wrong and have to try and try again!

    Bless you Sue,

    ReplyDelete