Hope Deferred.......

Have you ever been in an interview, when you get asked about your strengths and weakness.?  It is a question I have asked and been asked and my answer the last time I was asked was "Hope" as my strength.

Hope is a huge part of my character, my glass is half full (preferably after I've drink the first half!). I hope that difficult situations will work out,  I hope that people will succeed and be the best that they can be. I think Hope is a precious and wonderful thing! For me it's the expectation of a greater day, it's like the preparation time a new day, to a change, it excites me and encourages me.

So here I am as I said a few days ago waiting, and I know that is the place I am to be that God has a plan BUT I am an impatient patient and this morning my knowing and my hoping collided, and my Hope turned from a strength to a weakness.

Small but definate steps in getting better had set my mind a wander, and in spite of a doctors note to say no and an understanding with work that I would not be there, I began to hope that over the weekend I would get 100% better and be back in place to work with the team for one of our major events next week but this morning in the midst of yet another coughing fit I realised that my hope was not going to become a reality -my hope and Gods plan were not arriving at the same destination at the same time.

I had allowed my want to shift my focus and put my hope in my want and not in Gods will.
My high hope dashed turned to disappointment and frustrations and anger and tears.
Oh my!  I tried to be rational and and talk my way through it but my heart kicked in and kicked harder and it hurt.

I knew I had a choice to make I could have sat and sobbed and been entirely miserable and defeated and at the end have been no where forward, but instead I called a couple of  freinds who know me well and whose experience and honesty I value and I shared my disappointment with them. They listened and cared and spoke truth and stopped my pity party whilst I sat and sobbed and felt entirely miserable but as they left I know I was not defeated.

One of them gave me this verse from Proverbs 13:12 it says
" A Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"

My hope is not gone, it is just deferred, His time is better than my time ( I am a really slow learner in some things and I seem to be revisiting the whole timing/patience/He knows best themes so please bear with me)

To make sure my hope stays a strength I need to make sure I'm clear in where I place my hope, it's alright to hope and pray that I get back to work quickly but I must make sure that I keep my eyes focused on His will, that my hope is not isolated but rooted in truth, and not in my identity but In His,

It's  hard  there is sooooo much more to learn and grow and to suck up...It's hard knowing that my focus had gone off piste (again) , my want drowning out Gods will and that I'm on another turn around, I don't know how many more time I will circle these issues tramping round the walls of my Jericho till I get to make that shout and those walls will crumble, but I'd still rather be going round than standing still.

Maybe you have your own deferred hopes and dreams, your breakthroughs that have not yet come.  It's hard, but if all you can do is put one foot in front of the other you are one step further in the next circle round your Jericho.


Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ready, Steady.........

Having school aged children September always spells a time of new starts, as they academic year kicks off, the weather changes as we move into Autumn, it's a time for new courses, in my work it's an exciting time of planning and actioning major events, I love it!

BUT this year I've not made it off the starting blocks, an innocuous cough from the summer has mutated into a horrid, wretched, infection/virus that has singlehandedly stopped me in my tracks. Doctors and Antibiotics and tests and more Antibiotics and more antibiotics, and steroids and inhalers and X-rays and even more antibiotics have not been successful in getting me well yet.

So I find myself waiting at the start line , seeing things happen around me, missing events personally and professionally, stepping back and watching others step in, dropping things knowing someone would have to pick them up....it's not easy....it's not me...it's not what I do.

When I run an event, it's a time when I'm often closest to God, because I know I do it all in His strength, I lean in to Him big time, I run into Him and I feel Him, I know my gifts are from Him and I love to see Him glorified as we serve people well. This time of illness has stripped away those events but has not taken away the closeness.

During this time I have come close to Him just as a "me", I've leaned in just to be, for the strength to not do but to just rest. It's been His way of nurturing and strengthening roots I had started to cultivate, His way of ensuring investments I had made into my own identity as a being not a doing, would not be wasted

This feels like His way of protecting the small green shoots that have appeared after major pruning. Great friends have come and watered my soul, with words and flowers and meals, hugs and cards, practical support, tweets and texts and FaceTime providing virtual handsqueezes, each one working along side Him , moving me forward.

My new term is coming and it's just so inviting and exciting, my Indian Summer and a purposeful spring full of blossom then fruit, I cannot wait to be under starters orders, and to hear that starting gun.

Until then, it's Ready, Steady, Wait........

Romans 8:28 ESV
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Thankful for how God can use a 14 year old to teach me about Him and life

I could not really get the whole thing into the title of this entry succinctly, but I hope that by the end you will see.

I am truly blessed and thankful to have a job that I love. Working with my home church, managing our events with a team of people I call friends, and with an army of volunteers who help make everything that I plan become a reality.
It allows me to be creative and administrative and is people oriented, no day is the same, this week amongst other things I have organised translation for an Arabic client in FoodBank, ordered surprises to bless ladies at our REAL2012 Women's Conference next week and doubled checked with a Farmer that his cow will fit through our narrow gate on Sunday for Fathers Day.

This coming week I will hit warp speed as the final days before our the conference approach. There are decorations going up, rehearsals to have, European guests arriving midweek and our overseas speaker Shauna Niequist and family arriving too. There are meals and treats to arrange, there is shopping to do and deliveries to receive, parcels to wrap, meetings to have, documents to print, phone calls to make, last minute hitches to resolve, goody bags to be packed, set ups to be defined, it will be frantic and exciting all at the same time, and in the midst of all this Jack (14) asks will I be coming to his presentation on Tuesday 1pm till 3pm ish, he and some of his classmates have made it to the final of a competition, and it's the final presentations to determine the winning team. Am I free?

I confess my initial thought was, I just don't have time. I have every minute planned, even the contingency time is planned! I filled out the form for Him to attend and left the parent slot blank and left the form on the coffee table and for the next few days kept picking it up and putting it down. I looked at what I could move around in my plans, but my head just kept saying you don't have time, this isn't in the schedule, I felt pressured and anxious, working through different scenarios, what if I move this or that.

On Friday the form was due in...and in the morning getting ready for school chaos of finding pe kit, defrosting bread for lunches, walking the dog, Jack called up the stairs, ' I'm handing my form in today..are you coming?'

In that split second I said "of course I am, I want to see how great you are. Put my name down", he asked if I was sure, it's a busy week he told me, but I was sure, in that moment it was settled in my heart and I was totally sure. I am thankful that my growing up boy wants me to be a part of his life, many mothers don't have that relationship with their child. Here he was inviting me into his crazy teenage school world, of course I would be there, to congratulate if he wins and to buy chocolate babyccinos at Costa. (there will be extra cake if he does not win!) and I am making a choice that while I am with him I will be totally with him, not texting, or checking emails, not half there and half at work, not rushing away at the end. And I will do this without anxiety because I truly believe that God is in all that is happening for the conference and that he is also in everything my family and I do, and I know that there will be enough time for me to do both because He wants me to do both and because He can help me to do both.

I realised that like most of my weeks and days, it will be a loaves and fishes time, the amount of time and resources I need will be greater than what I seem to have, and yet when God is in it, everything works out. I will work more efficiently, prioritise my time well, include my family, include rest time and prayer time, because when I do this with God it never seems such a burden, and the verse "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30, soothed my soul and I resolved in my heart that I would be sharing sharing my burdens with Him, and so He best be ready.

Strangely and by no coincidence, and probably because it's all in Gods plan... it's The Message version of this verse that is the theme of next weeks REAL Conference. My role means I rarely hear the teaching at one of our events, I am arranging and organising and checking and double checking, and so I catch up with recordings and podcasts after the events. I knew that this was our theme and I have been praying for over 6 months that women attending would hear from God and have their lives transformed as they learned to share their burdens and to live with the unforced rhythm of grace but this week God decided i needed to learn it myself and a bit earlier than the conference and used my 14 year old to teach me....

I am thankful, for my job, for my family, for my teams, for my God.

Thankful for My husband (17/1000)

On Friday it will be 17 years since I , in a huge full on BoPeep frock with puffy sleeves and underskirts galore, married Matthew, surrounded by our friends and family. Almost 17 years since we danced our first dance to 'Years from Now' by Dr Hook, Matthew smiling as he counted the steps 1,2,3 in his head and he trod on my toes. We had hopes and dreams but no idea where those first steps would take us, but I will be forever grateful that 'love has kept us together'

For just a few years later after an appointment with a consultant being told that my condition would make adding children into our dream a nigh on impossibility I remember in an angry fit of tears telling him I should never have married him, and had I known in advance I would have never said yes. I remember he told me that even had he known before he would still have asked me and would still have married me.

You see for Matthew I was enough, he chose me as I was, he loved me the girl, not me the future mum. As Matthew tells it he know from the first smile that he would marry me, he decided then and there as we were introduced that I was the one.

A further few years later and a combination of fertility drugs and miracles gave us twin boys and we became more. I loved it, sharing late night feeds, watching baseball at 4am but the longer term effects of the fertility drugs and pregnancy hormones played havoc with my emotions and after 6 months I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

This time was horrid, I was horrid, I said things that should never have been said, I'm grateful I only remember some. I was self absorbed, I just about managed a limited amount of parenting, but my daily achievements rarely extended to being a half decent wife. Practical things like shopping and laundry and cooking were very hit and miss, we either had empty cupboards or so much food the fridges were overflowing. The partnership of marriage disintegrated and I gave nothing at all in turn for all that Matthew gave me. I had no interest in his day, no care for his worries, I gave no support or encouragement. Instead I bullied and exasperated him, he would pull up outside our house at the end of work and wonder whether to come in or just keep driving. I was truly blessed because each day he came in, I had no control over myself at that time and he knew that, he knew that 'me' was lost, trapped inside a cloud of darkness and every day he came in hoping that I had found my way home...and eventually I did. As the darkness lifted we walked our way back to where we had been together and once again 'we' became 'more', and have kept on walking together.

Matthew hung on in with our marriage even when he no longer knew the person he was married to. He is not perfect, he screws up. Sometimes his gift buying falls short..(a lime green rucksack cool bag as an anniversary present and pink toning trainers for mothers day come to mind), sometimes he tries to fix my problem when I want a hug and then other times he hugs me when I want him to save me, (it's a women's prerogative to change her mind ...right??). He can infuriate me, frustrate me, drive me round the bend, but boy do I love him.

He has an amazing laugh, he makes me smile, he is a great dad, a great friend, a great server. He makes me feel wanted and loved, he encourages me and challenges me. He prays for me ( and probably about me too..) and for our children. He invests his time in me, in friendships, in being a dad. He believes in me and who I am and all that I can be.

So Happy Anniversary Matthew, it's been a blast!


Years from now, I'll want you years from now
And I'll hold you years from now, as I love you tonight

You are my one true friend, always my one true friend
And I'll love you 'til life's end, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
But still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
Still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

Thankful for Wellies and puddles (14&15/1000) oh and Oskar (16/1000)

This is a few days old now, I seem to get the ideas down and then not post, must try harder methinks or better late than never.

Anyway despite the odd sun breakthrough the recent weather has really begun to get me down, especially when I am tasked with the pre work dog walk, but Oskar, our rescue dog, still needs walking and our route is through some lovely woods and parks but when it is wet it is oh so muddy. Along the way we hit these boggy pits, puddles and ooze of mud and Oskar nimble skips around and occasionally through. I seem to spend my time trying to avoid the squidge and tiptoeing round , using bushes and trees to balance but this time as I walked I remembered the story 'We're Going On a Bear Hunt' I loved this book during my time in a nursery school. I loved reading it with the children, acting it out making noises and see the delight in their faces. If you don't know the story it's basically about some children on an adventure who come across obstacles in their way, long, wavy grass, a deep, cold river, and thick, oozy mud amongst them.

As they reach each obstacle they chant
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no! We've got to go through it!

Sometimes in life we need to go through the stuff, wade on in, take the path least trodden. When faced with hard or challenging situations it can be easy to try and find a way around it, take a much longer route to avoid it. Sometimes even taking the longer route is avoided, and we chose to throw in the towel, and not get to the end at all. At other times when faced with a multi faceted task we pick and chose the bits we want to deal with, and in it all pretend to ourselves that by getting to the end we have achieved, despite having missed experiences and opportunities that although they will challenge us, will ultimately grow us.

One thing in life is guaranteed, we will reach the end of it, but life is not about getting to the end it's about what we go through along the way. We can make choices to tiptoe around stuff, to only step in the footsteps of others, for fear of testing new ground and in doing so we end up with lives that have length, but no depth, no width. Choosing to go through the challenge adds breadth to our experience, adds colour to our world, grows our character, brings both laughter and tears, brings more than we can imagine. It's not easy, sometimes the quick fix is what we will choose, but why not start today with a couple of muddy puddles and just see where they might take you.

Thankful for Hope (13/1000)

This afternoon I had the privilege of supporting Karen Mehta as she led an afternoon of Remembrance for the Twins and Multiple Birth Bereavement Support Group. These myriad of families are separated by age, race, distance and yet united by experience of loss gather to remember, to support and to encourage each other, and there are tears and laughter mixing pain with hope.

And it's the hope that for me is key, I don't think that anyone goes through life with out pain. The pain of loss, the pain of disappointment. As a parent the pain of seeing my children hurt, whether as a result of their own or others actions can quite simply hit me to my core and is where so much of my pain lies currently.

The dictionary defines hope as feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen and in our worldly lives hope is often described as being clung onto, but for me hope is so much more, its more than a feeling or a desire, it fact it's more like knowledge.

I do not cling onto hope, but rather I am enveloped by hope, because my hope is based not upon any earthly thing or person that is that is fallible, my hope is based on Gods promises that I know are steadfast, I know that they are unchanging,

So when the pain of being a mum to a hurting child threatens to overwhelm me, that knot in my stomach, the ache in my heart become so tangible I catch my breath, I remind my of Gods promise in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and I know that that promise extends to my children and I allow myself a hope hug....so today I am thankful for hope.....

Thankful for my GiGs (11&12/1000)

Friendship is crucial. If I am honest I can make friends easily but I have not been great at developing friendships. My own insecurity at revealing too much of who I really am and then being rejected has caused me and others heartache, I deeply regret the hurt to others.

On recent years God has put right across my path 2 amazing women, my Girlfriends in God. Our life experiences past and present are different, our children in some similar and some not life stages, our faith journeys different and yet we share something special.

We have laughed together, had fun times, shopped, wined and dined, but God put something on our hearts to be more to each other. He created a place for us to be vulnerable, to share our fears, admit our failings. We've cried together, full on snotty crying, hidden in cupboards and prayed feverishly to get through the next bit of the day.
We've challenged each other. We don't agree on everything, we handle situations differently but throughout we have supported and encouraged and allowed each other to work it out. We talk shoes and handbags and kids and husbands and God and we love fish finger sandwiches and cold white wine.
They have seen my big knickers as I wore my hospital gown, and cried when they said goodbye at the end of visiting time.
When I have sent a prayer request text, doubting my parenting abilities again, they came, knowing a hug would make things better.
They have seen my bedroom, untidied, in that 'theres people coming to dinner and we've run out of time and so everything else that needs to be done is shoved in there state' and they still choose to be my friends.
We are 3 different people united by a love of God and a willingness to expose our own vulnerabilities in order that we might grow and that tomorrow we will be better than we were today.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)