Quarrying is not a spectator sport

This has been sitting in my spirit for a few days and courage comes late at night so I'm endeavouring to post this via my phone ......

There's this fab lady who I get to do some life stuff with and she funny and loving and caring and nurturing and then she also does these great preaches that slap me round the face.

Recently I heard her talk about the building of our temples and the quarrying of the rocks to build the temple with, and to keep the temple growing we need to keep fashioning the rocks.  (You  can hear this in the podcast section at www.kerith.co.uk )

I loved it and hated it at the same time.  You see I have really been purposeful this year about building and growing - putting scaffolding around me to stabilise and support it and so I felt like if been to the quarry a lot! And I was slightly over the quarry.... The  quarry was too painful, too hard.  In recent time spent time there and there's been so much bashing and hammering and chipping and breaking there's been no stone left to build with, just feelings scattered as dust on the floor, feelings that run through hands, that get swept under and overlooked, cast aside, valueless, purposeless, that left scars and weakened my temple, there were hurts that kept me away from the quarry, hurts that I allowed to let me settle for less than.

But when God wants you he really wants you, and my spirit is constantly irked by anything or anyone that settles for less. And so this slap around the face reminded me,  even when I am less than, even though I deserve so little of His love, I am enough for His ALL, so why do I keep allowing myself to love settle for less than His best.

So I went back to the quarry this week. Me and God alone - about to do some work....and you see "alone" was the key. You see in previous quarrying expeditions I let others in (I'm a sociable girl, like to invite and be invited)  and with the others  came words that inflicted deep flaws in stones rendering them unstable, actions that crushed my spirit to rubble, lies that trampled truth to dust.... But this time was different - this time it was just the two of us, no distraction, no place to hide.

I'd like to say that Gods hammer and chisel hurts less than mans but it doesn't - but it is different because it's design is to grow and shape and form for purpose- to cut away the rubbish, the edges, to carve beauty and to polish to reflect His glory.

So there's been some chipping and bashing and some bits have been more stubborn than others but I think we together carved a new cornerstone that will under pin the next level of my temple.

Then with the swept under dust and enough tears to fill an ocean (His and mine) we created a cement to secure that cornerstone in place - all those hard times in the quarry no longer wasted/hidden/useless but instead foundational- they are all a part of me.

So girlfriends please be ready for invites to coffee and cocktails, to walk and dance, to chill, be busy, to laugh and cry, to grow and lift each other but from now on the quarrying is only for Him and me.

Starting small....

In my previous blog I wrote about my one word theme for the year SCAFFOLD, and how my aim as I start the year is to scaffold my growth, to learn from others and in this I hope to be a better mother, wife, friend, worker, to be my best me.

Part of this is increasing my reading and my first book of 2014 Believing God by Beth Moore seems to have a divine choice ( it was a free download recommended by a great friend )

In this Beth talks about a Five Statement Pledge of Faith, aka Shield of Faith, and encourages us to write these down ( according to twitter she has this copy on her elliptical trainer) and speak them out often.

At my first read through I found the first two statements easier to say than the third and fourth and fifth because they brought me into the equation. There is a transition from "believing in God" and "believing God" and if I am choosing to Believe God then statements 3-5 are just as true as 1&2, and I will need to embed these into my spirit.

To this end various small cards will be appearing around my house, on mirrors and inside cupboard doors, as bookmarks and in my purses and bags with these five statements printed on them because I know I need to keep reading them and reminding myself because I know that if I choose to believe them and trust in them that they will be pivotal scaffold poles this year. A small thing to make a big difference.

 

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Sunflowers and Scaffolding

You may have seen a number of tweets and blogs about oneword365, an idea that instead of a resolution you choose one word that becomes your focus and that you intentionally use to shape the year ahead. You can read more about it at oneword365.com , and here are my thoughts on my one word...SCAFFOLD

I have twin 15 yo boys who seem to grow constantly, sometimes it's a gradual growth and then every now and again there is a growth spurt, when I'm convinced that they actually wake up taller than they went to bed. Our spiritual growth can be like this, sometimes it's baby steps gently moving through the difficulties, sometimes it's a bit like treading water strengthening the position before moving forward and sometimes there are spurts.

2013 has been a spurt, challenges with family, friends and health constantly requiring me to make choices and and adapt to changes, and after each change another seemed to follow, leaving little time to catch breath or to consolidate the learning. Changes to how I work, how I play, to friendships, to relationships.

Some changes included losses and have been so hard they caused physical pain as well as emotional heartache, and whilst I would not choose another year like it, I have seen growth in pruned branches, growth in my understanding of me, of learning who I am and not what other think I am or want me to be, I've learned about depth in relationships and friendships, I've learned that choosing God is not always easy, but that He does pull through. I've learned that I will always hope, and accept that there will be pain in that. My heart was broken and renewed by our youth at our Summer Camp as I saw them pray and love each other through their own hardships and joys. I learned that sometimes when you are asked to make a sacrifice that there will not always be a lamb hidden in bush to take its place.

Yes 2013 was a hard year but I never wished it over, it just feels a little too much like its been a bit too quick, a spurt I was not fully prepared for. The picture I have of the year gone is that of a sunflower, those beautiful, summer evoking flowers, often cartooned with broad smiles. It might seem an odd picture for my year, But there has been a lot of common ground this year.....

Sunflowers grow fast and in fact are one of the fastest growing plants, my growth has been full of fast spurts this year at times it felt too much. As they grow, sunflowers lose leaves, parts of them now gone, loss is hard.

Sunflowers grow tall not to be noticed, but to get clear access to the sun, one characteristic is that the heads track the sun's movement. I certainly had not foreseen to grow as I have, the circumstances and difficult situations and consequences were not part of my plan, but a very conscious decision back in January to Choose God has meant that I have sought His face more this past year than other years, sometimes to seek Him I have had to turn my face away from lots of stuff, and hold fast to His promise that

"God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" Romans 8:28 NLT

And so now I find my self standing tall, good deep roots in my home and church, slightly battered, more than a little bit bruised, full of seed and fruit and questions and hopes and dreams to take into 2014 and choosing my one word.....SCAFFOLD

2014 I am choosing to scaffold my learning, to build a structure around my growth, to strengthen and develop it, to continue learning how these new things work and how I continue the transition. It's not a defensive wall, to keep people out but rather a structure that invites people in. Scaffolding is a process through which a more competent peer helps another in their development. I will be purposeful in seeking guidance from other wives and mothers, workmates and friends, older and younger and I hope to find a group that will form a part of this, and that this scaffold will help protect my growth, my learning as I'm sure there will be storms still to weather, challenges to overcome and I'm certain that God did not bring me through this to wish it away, or just to feel thankful it has finished, but instead to be a better me and bring Him greater glory.

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Trees have Leaves

I got my first pair of glasses as a teenager, the writing on blackboard had become too hard to read and The squinting was giving me wrinkles. After much deliberation I picked a "fashionable" pair, which coupled with my Dierdre Barlow (younger readers feel free to google) perm make me thankful there are not pictures readily available!

When I put them on I was struck by the huge difference that they made, despite knowing my vision had been getting worse I was not aware of the amount I had been missing out on, the sharpness of detail, and I remember the biggest difference I saw was that trees had leaves. It might seem bizarre, I knew that trees had leaves, but my poor vision meant I only saw trees as whole objects and not the intricacy of the individual leaves. I was completely taken by the details of these things and even now I love the beauty of trees as they change through the seasons.

15 years ago I realised my vision was getting blurred again, but this was not something that could be corrected by glasses or contacts. The cloudiness was in my heart, the pressure of life and family were the behind the fogginess. I had become overwhelmed as a new mum, Christmas was speeding towards me and all was blur of present buying, house decorating, people seeing, recipe testing to make the best Christmas a Dinner, each one thing overlapping the other, crashing together, becoming one big blur falling under the banner of Christmas which began to feel like a lot of effort over nothing very much.

December 13th 1998, after spending time on an Alpha Course at Kerith Community Church, I made a choice to accept Jesus in my life during a Sunday Church Meeting whilst the notices were being read, and that day I got new glasses, spiritual glasses that changed the way I saw Christmas. I no longer saw the whole big mess I had made it but instead the tree lights shone brighter, the baubles were more colourful, the angel atop the tree now looked jaunty not wonky.

As I wrapped presents I was not frustrated by sticky tape and awkward shapes, but smiling as I thought of how the recipient would feel. When I wrote cards wishing peace and joy I actually meant it more than a trite greeting. As I planned recipes I scaled them down, and took some shortcuts, to give me time with guests instead of being banished and frustrated in the kitchen.

I sang carols with a new heart, the words having meaning beyond the old familiar tunes, I counted down the remainder of advent with new perspective beyond what the next chocolate shape would be in the calender.

The cold was colder, the frost crisper, the scarves and hats snugglier as I bundled my boys into our Christmas Day morning meeting and I sang my heart out with joy and gladness, and as I walked back to the car and saw trees stripped of the leaves that had so captured me 30 years I felt like a small child; buzzing with anticipation of present opening, knowing nothing could top the gift I had received that year, and that He would stay with me forever, He would not become outdated, would not need returning in the New Year, nor a cheaper version be available in the sales. Jesus - my Hope, my Joy, my Peace ......my best Christmas Present ever.

 

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Breathe In, Breathe Out

With pneumonia, lung infections and constant coughing breathing and lack of breath have featured quite heavily in my day to day over the last 4 months.

Today I heard this song anew and was reminded that whilst my actual air supply might have been constricted by my physical ailment, my spiritual access to air is always available in abundance

 

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will

You will find Him here

 

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Growing boys, shoelaces, FIFA and Kung Fu Panda

Last night we went to sixth form information evening for our twin boys.

The vast array of options open to them as they plan the next steps of their life, and as they checked different ideas and talked about their plans or lack of, I was struck with how grown up this seemed and yet these were still my small boys.

The same boy who only that weekend had his menu choices at the Chinese restaurant based upon what he'd seen in Kung Fu Panda, was now carefully weighing his abilities and trying to match those to his dreams.

The one who could be reduced to a heaving mass of frustration over a fumbled goal in an online football game, was looking at options, trying to feel his way into a future path.

These mature boys asking responsible questions were the same ones I'd argued with in the morning over shoe laces, yes really shoelaces!   Their annoying lazy habit of taking to shoes off without undoing and a seeming lack of attention paid to the many lessons I have of tying the perfect bow had led to one (identity protected 😜) boy hopping round the house when we were already late to leave.  

Frustration, fingers, unhelpful fraternal intervention and forks (my idea and seemed logical at the time)  together succeeded in finally making the knot completely and utterly watertight and undoable, so the shoe just had to wedged on.  I tried not to wince as the back heel was squished as I remembered the joy, (also spelled trauma) that was involved in buying a pair of durable, school appropriate shoes and reminded myself that they were in the sale ( but In Clarkes everything is relative) and bit my lip on the long (10 min) journey to school. ( to be read as shouted and huffed and puffed and blew it all out of proportion)

The end of day saw the shoe wrenched off, the laces cut and replaced with some from another old pair  that should have been thrown out about three sizes ago but I'm not brave enough to venture too regularly into the bottom of his wardrobe. A solution found and normality restored, apologies and hugs given, cups of tea made and I did not comment when the other "innocent brother" dumped his own undone shoes.

And just a few hours later the same boys who could not tie or would not undo a shoe lace, were making decisions for their future with hope and a smidgen of direction.  

Later when they went to bed I read comments some friends had made about my boys, commending them and encouraging me and whilst you should never parent well to get the praise from others, there are times when that encouragement is just what you need to keep you moving forward, sure of your path. 

Yes they are growing up and I will try each day to give them all they need to do that well, to become well rounded men, but sometimes they will just be my little boys and we will argue and apologise and eat food based on Disney movies.

Hope Deferred.......

Have you ever been in an interview, when you get asked about your strengths and weakness.?  It is a question I have asked and been asked and my answer the last time I was asked was "Hope" as my strength.

Hope is a huge part of my character, my glass is half full (preferably after I've drink the first half!). I hope that difficult situations will work out,  I hope that people will succeed and be the best that they can be. I think Hope is a precious and wonderful thing! For me it's the expectation of a greater day, it's like the preparation time a new day, to a change, it excites me and encourages me.

So here I am as I said a few days ago waiting, and I know that is the place I am to be that God has a plan BUT I am an impatient patient and this morning my knowing and my hoping collided, and my Hope turned from a strength to a weakness.

Small but definate steps in getting better had set my mind a wander, and in spite of a doctors note to say no and an understanding with work that I would not be there, I began to hope that over the weekend I would get 100% better and be back in place to work with the team for one of our major events next week but this morning in the midst of yet another coughing fit I realised that my hope was not going to become a reality -my hope and Gods plan were not arriving at the same destination at the same time.

I had allowed my want to shift my focus and put my hope in my want and not in Gods will.
My high hope dashed turned to disappointment and frustrations and anger and tears.
Oh my!  I tried to be rational and and talk my way through it but my heart kicked in and kicked harder and it hurt.

I knew I had a choice to make I could have sat and sobbed and been entirely miserable and defeated and at the end have been no where forward, but instead I called a couple of  freinds who know me well and whose experience and honesty I value and I shared my disappointment with them. They listened and cared and spoke truth and stopped my pity party whilst I sat and sobbed and felt entirely miserable but as they left I know I was not defeated.

One of them gave me this verse from Proverbs 13:12 it says
" A Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"

My hope is not gone, it is just deferred, His time is better than my time ( I am a really slow learner in some things and I seem to be revisiting the whole timing/patience/He knows best themes so please bear with me)

To make sure my hope stays a strength I need to make sure I'm clear in where I place my hope, it's alright to hope and pray that I get back to work quickly but I must make sure that I keep my eyes focused on His will, that my hope is not isolated but rooted in truth, and not in my identity but In His,

It's  hard  there is sooooo much more to learn and grow and to suck up...It's hard knowing that my focus had gone off piste (again) , my want drowning out Gods will and that I'm on another turn around, I don't know how many more time I will circle these issues tramping round the walls of my Jericho till I get to make that shout and those walls will crumble, but I'd still rather be going round than standing still.

Maybe you have your own deferred hopes and dreams, your breakthroughs that have not yet come.  It's hard, but if all you can do is put one foot in front of the other you are one step further in the next circle round your Jericho.


Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ready, Steady.........

Having school aged children September always spells a time of new starts, as they academic year kicks off, the weather changes as we move into Autumn, it's a time for new courses, in my work it's an exciting time of planning and actioning major events, I love it!

BUT this year I've not made it off the starting blocks, an innocuous cough from the summer has mutated into a horrid, wretched, infection/virus that has singlehandedly stopped me in my tracks. Doctors and Antibiotics and tests and more Antibiotics and more antibiotics, and steroids and inhalers and X-rays and even more antibiotics have not been successful in getting me well yet.

So I find myself waiting at the start line , seeing things happen around me, missing events personally and professionally, stepping back and watching others step in, dropping things knowing someone would have to pick them up....it's not easy....it's not me...it's not what I do.

When I run an event, it's a time when I'm often closest to God, because I know I do it all in His strength, I lean in to Him big time, I run into Him and I feel Him, I know my gifts are from Him and I love to see Him glorified as we serve people well. This time of illness has stripped away those events but has not taken away the closeness.

During this time I have come close to Him just as a "me", I've leaned in just to be, for the strength to not do but to just rest. It's been His way of nurturing and strengthening roots I had started to cultivate, His way of ensuring investments I had made into my own identity as a being not a doing, would not be wasted

This feels like His way of protecting the small green shoots that have appeared after major pruning. Great friends have come and watered my soul, with words and flowers and meals, hugs and cards, practical support, tweets and texts and FaceTime providing virtual handsqueezes, each one working along side Him , moving me forward.

My new term is coming and it's just so inviting and exciting, my Indian Summer and a purposeful spring full of blossom then fruit, I cannot wait to be under starters orders, and to hear that starting gun.

Until then, it's Ready, Steady, Wait........

Romans 8:28 ESV
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Thankful for how God can use a 14 year old to teach me about Him and life

I could not really get the whole thing into the title of this entry succinctly, but I hope that by the end you will see.

I am truly blessed and thankful to have a job that I love. Working with my home church, managing our events with a team of people I call friends, and with an army of volunteers who help make everything that I plan become a reality.
It allows me to be creative and administrative and is people oriented, no day is the same, this week amongst other things I have organised translation for an Arabic client in FoodBank, ordered surprises to bless ladies at our REAL2012 Women's Conference next week and doubled checked with a Farmer that his cow will fit through our narrow gate on Sunday for Fathers Day.

This coming week I will hit warp speed as the final days before our the conference approach. There are decorations going up, rehearsals to have, European guests arriving midweek and our overseas speaker Shauna Niequist and family arriving too. There are meals and treats to arrange, there is shopping to do and deliveries to receive, parcels to wrap, meetings to have, documents to print, phone calls to make, last minute hitches to resolve, goody bags to be packed, set ups to be defined, it will be frantic and exciting all at the same time, and in the midst of all this Jack (14) asks will I be coming to his presentation on Tuesday 1pm till 3pm ish, he and some of his classmates have made it to the final of a competition, and it's the final presentations to determine the winning team. Am I free?

I confess my initial thought was, I just don't have time. I have every minute planned, even the contingency time is planned! I filled out the form for Him to attend and left the parent slot blank and left the form on the coffee table and for the next few days kept picking it up and putting it down. I looked at what I could move around in my plans, but my head just kept saying you don't have time, this isn't in the schedule, I felt pressured and anxious, working through different scenarios, what if I move this or that.

On Friday the form was due in...and in the morning getting ready for school chaos of finding pe kit, defrosting bread for lunches, walking the dog, Jack called up the stairs, ' I'm handing my form in today..are you coming?'

In that split second I said "of course I am, I want to see how great you are. Put my name down", he asked if I was sure, it's a busy week he told me, but I was sure, in that moment it was settled in my heart and I was totally sure. I am thankful that my growing up boy wants me to be a part of his life, many mothers don't have that relationship with their child. Here he was inviting me into his crazy teenage school world, of course I would be there, to congratulate if he wins and to buy chocolate babyccinos at Costa. (there will be extra cake if he does not win!) and I am making a choice that while I am with him I will be totally with him, not texting, or checking emails, not half there and half at work, not rushing away at the end. And I will do this without anxiety because I truly believe that God is in all that is happening for the conference and that he is also in everything my family and I do, and I know that there will be enough time for me to do both because He wants me to do both and because He can help me to do both.

I realised that like most of my weeks and days, it will be a loaves and fishes time, the amount of time and resources I need will be greater than what I seem to have, and yet when God is in it, everything works out. I will work more efficiently, prioritise my time well, include my family, include rest time and prayer time, because when I do this with God it never seems such a burden, and the verse "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30, soothed my soul and I resolved in my heart that I would be sharing sharing my burdens with Him, and so He best be ready.

Strangely and by no coincidence, and probably because it's all in Gods plan... it's The Message version of this verse that is the theme of next weeks REAL Conference. My role means I rarely hear the teaching at one of our events, I am arranging and organising and checking and double checking, and so I catch up with recordings and podcasts after the events. I knew that this was our theme and I have been praying for over 6 months that women attending would hear from God and have their lives transformed as they learned to share their burdens and to live with the unforced rhythm of grace but this week God decided i needed to learn it myself and a bit earlier than the conference and used my 14 year old to teach me....

I am thankful, for my job, for my family, for my teams, for my God.

Thankful for My husband (17/1000)

On Friday it will be 17 years since I , in a huge full on BoPeep frock with puffy sleeves and underskirts galore, married Matthew, surrounded by our friends and family. Almost 17 years since we danced our first dance to 'Years from Now' by Dr Hook, Matthew smiling as he counted the steps 1,2,3 in his head and he trod on my toes. We had hopes and dreams but no idea where those first steps would take us, but I will be forever grateful that 'love has kept us together'

For just a few years later after an appointment with a consultant being told that my condition would make adding children into our dream a nigh on impossibility I remember in an angry fit of tears telling him I should never have married him, and had I known in advance I would have never said yes. I remember he told me that even had he known before he would still have asked me and would still have married me.

You see for Matthew I was enough, he chose me as I was, he loved me the girl, not me the future mum. As Matthew tells it he know from the first smile that he would marry me, he decided then and there as we were introduced that I was the one.

A further few years later and a combination of fertility drugs and miracles gave us twin boys and we became more. I loved it, sharing late night feeds, watching baseball at 4am but the longer term effects of the fertility drugs and pregnancy hormones played havoc with my emotions and after 6 months I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

This time was horrid, I was horrid, I said things that should never have been said, I'm grateful I only remember some. I was self absorbed, I just about managed a limited amount of parenting, but my daily achievements rarely extended to being a half decent wife. Practical things like shopping and laundry and cooking were very hit and miss, we either had empty cupboards or so much food the fridges were overflowing. The partnership of marriage disintegrated and I gave nothing at all in turn for all that Matthew gave me. I had no interest in his day, no care for his worries, I gave no support or encouragement. Instead I bullied and exasperated him, he would pull up outside our house at the end of work and wonder whether to come in or just keep driving. I was truly blessed because each day he came in, I had no control over myself at that time and he knew that, he knew that 'me' was lost, trapped inside a cloud of darkness and every day he came in hoping that I had found my way home...and eventually I did. As the darkness lifted we walked our way back to where we had been together and once again 'we' became 'more', and have kept on walking together.

Matthew hung on in with our marriage even when he no longer knew the person he was married to. He is not perfect, he screws up. Sometimes his gift buying falls short..(a lime green rucksack cool bag as an anniversary present and pink toning trainers for mothers day come to mind), sometimes he tries to fix my problem when I want a hug and then other times he hugs me when I want him to save me, (it's a women's prerogative to change her mind ...right??). He can infuriate me, frustrate me, drive me round the bend, but boy do I love him.

He has an amazing laugh, he makes me smile, he is a great dad, a great friend, a great server. He makes me feel wanted and loved, he encourages me and challenges me. He prays for me ( and probably about me too..) and for our children. He invests his time in me, in friendships, in being a dad. He believes in me and who I am and all that I can be.

So Happy Anniversary Matthew, it's been a blast!


Years from now, I'll want you years from now
And I'll hold you years from now, as I love you tonight

You are my one true friend, always my one true friend
And I'll love you 'til life's end, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
But still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
Still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see

Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight

Thankful for Wellies and puddles (14&15/1000) oh and Oskar (16/1000)

This is a few days old now, I seem to get the ideas down and then not post, must try harder methinks or better late than never.

Anyway despite the odd sun breakthrough the recent weather has really begun to get me down, especially when I am tasked with the pre work dog walk, but Oskar, our rescue dog, still needs walking and our route is through some lovely woods and parks but when it is wet it is oh so muddy. Along the way we hit these boggy pits, puddles and ooze of mud and Oskar nimble skips around and occasionally through. I seem to spend my time trying to avoid the squidge and tiptoeing round , using bushes and trees to balance but this time as I walked I remembered the story 'We're Going On a Bear Hunt' I loved this book during my time in a nursery school. I loved reading it with the children, acting it out making noises and see the delight in their faces. If you don't know the story it's basically about some children on an adventure who come across obstacles in their way, long, wavy grass, a deep, cold river, and thick, oozy mud amongst them.

As they reach each obstacle they chant
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no! We've got to go through it!

Sometimes in life we need to go through the stuff, wade on in, take the path least trodden. When faced with hard or challenging situations it can be easy to try and find a way around it, take a much longer route to avoid it. Sometimes even taking the longer route is avoided, and we chose to throw in the towel, and not get to the end at all. At other times when faced with a multi faceted task we pick and chose the bits we want to deal with, and in it all pretend to ourselves that by getting to the end we have achieved, despite having missed experiences and opportunities that although they will challenge us, will ultimately grow us.

One thing in life is guaranteed, we will reach the end of it, but life is not about getting to the end it's about what we go through along the way. We can make choices to tiptoe around stuff, to only step in the footsteps of others, for fear of testing new ground and in doing so we end up with lives that have length, but no depth, no width. Choosing to go through the challenge adds breadth to our experience, adds colour to our world, grows our character, brings both laughter and tears, brings more than we can imagine. It's not easy, sometimes the quick fix is what we will choose, but why not start today with a couple of muddy puddles and just see where they might take you.

Thankful for Hope (13/1000)

This afternoon I had the privilege of supporting Karen Mehta as she led an afternoon of Remembrance for the Twins and Multiple Birth Bereavement Support Group. These myriad of families are separated by age, race, distance and yet united by experience of loss gather to remember, to support and to encourage each other, and there are tears and laughter mixing pain with hope.

And it's the hope that for me is key, I don't think that anyone goes through life with out pain. The pain of loss, the pain of disappointment. As a parent the pain of seeing my children hurt, whether as a result of their own or others actions can quite simply hit me to my core and is where so much of my pain lies currently.

The dictionary defines hope as feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen and in our worldly lives hope is often described as being clung onto, but for me hope is so much more, its more than a feeling or a desire, it fact it's more like knowledge.

I do not cling onto hope, but rather I am enveloped by hope, because my hope is based not upon any earthly thing or person that is that is fallible, my hope is based on Gods promises that I know are steadfast, I know that they are unchanging,

So when the pain of being a mum to a hurting child threatens to overwhelm me, that knot in my stomach, the ache in my heart become so tangible I catch my breath, I remind my of Gods promise in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and I know that that promise extends to my children and I allow myself a hope hug....so today I am thankful for hope.....

Thankful for my GiGs (11&12/1000)

Friendship is crucial. If I am honest I can make friends easily but I have not been great at developing friendships. My own insecurity at revealing too much of who I really am and then being rejected has caused me and others heartache, I deeply regret the hurt to others.

On recent years God has put right across my path 2 amazing women, my Girlfriends in God. Our life experiences past and present are different, our children in some similar and some not life stages, our faith journeys different and yet we share something special.

We have laughed together, had fun times, shopped, wined and dined, but God put something on our hearts to be more to each other. He created a place for us to be vulnerable, to share our fears, admit our failings. We've cried together, full on snotty crying, hidden in cupboards and prayed feverishly to get through the next bit of the day.
We've challenged each other. We don't agree on everything, we handle situations differently but throughout we have supported and encouraged and allowed each other to work it out. We talk shoes and handbags and kids and husbands and God and we love fish finger sandwiches and cold white wine.
They have seen my big knickers as I wore my hospital gown, and cried when they said goodbye at the end of visiting time.
When I have sent a prayer request text, doubting my parenting abilities again, they came, knowing a hug would make things better.
They have seen my bedroom, untidied, in that 'theres people coming to dinner and we've run out of time and so everything else that needs to be done is shoved in there state' and they still choose to be my friends.
We are 3 different people united by a love of God and a willingness to expose our own vulnerabilities in order that we might grow and that tomorrow we will be better than we were today.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)

Thankful for my men..(8,9,10/1000)

Matthew, my wonderful husband
Matthew is genuine, warm, and from the first day I met him has been able to make me smile.

Jack, my oldest twin by just three minutes, now 14 is a most amazing young man. His smile is infectious, he is a talented keyboardist, his heart is open and he is so full of potential.

Max, 14 and still growing, a brilliant guitarist, he is funny and bold, he has a great future ahead of him and I am excited to see it.

Thankful for Grace and Gods Promises (6-7/1000)

Oh my, ever feel you set yourself up to fail......how far behind am I, and not for lack of things to be thankful for, for they are there's in abundance. I was tempted to write this off as a bad idea and let it quietly fade away but I am fed up of giving up.
You see I really am not one of lives long term completers, I am great with the short term project stuff, organising the events at works and pulling them together for others but the long term stuff I need in my life I am rubbish with.

I read these blogs by organised mums with immaculate laundry cupboards and tupperware organised pantries and get inspired and will have a mad flourish and sort through the towels and bedding by size and colour, or rearrange the kitchen cupboards and sort the dreaded junk drawer that every kitchen seems to have, and it feels great and then I don't keep it up. Next time I put the laundry away I'm in a rush so just pile the towels in, or in a quick kitchen tidy I sweep all bits and bobs into that drawer before the guests arrive. Then each time I grab a towel or search for the lemons zester I am confronted with my failure to maintain order, to keep it up.

I don't seem to have stick ability, even when I can see success I get derailed. My weightloss is a prime example, I know what to do, I have done it with 4 stone worth of success and yet for the last 4 months you would think I had never heard of low fat food! Every day I make decisions that sabotage my own growth and well being.

And it is so easy after the first, let alone 6th or 19th failure to just stop trying, to believe the lies that I'm not built for long haul, to give in to food temptations, to resign myself to accept that I lack commitment to my own well being.

Or I can accept that I am all that I am, that all I have need for is already within me, that I need to dig deep and find it, that I need to start things with no end in sight and just do them because they are good for me and those around me and because I know they are part of Gods plan for me to have a better life.

David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished. (1 Chronicles 28:20 NIV)

So today I will carry on, not a new start, but under Gods grace a continuance and will be thankful not only for that grace but also for knowing that He promises He will take my humble offerings and messy life and make it beautiful.

In the words of the Gungor song ( click below to listen)

I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyPBtExE4W0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Beautiful things by Gungor

Thankful for coffee time , and for 1lb off (4-5/1000)

4. Thankful for coffee, not just any one, a skinny one of course, and with some sugar free hazelnut syrup but more than that, what made this one extra special, having a good friend to share the time with, to speak truth to and be spoken truth to, to build up and be built up, to encourage and be encouraged by.

5. One pound, not money but weight, some of you will know I lost 4 stone last year but since my gallbladder surgery I have not lost any, in fact and in honesty I have gained....but tonight I had my first loss in 12 weeks, not a gain , not a stay the same but a loss, and no matter how small 1lb may seem, to me it could have been 100lb, for the feeling I had to finally have turned a corner. By no means were all my food choices good this week, but there were more good ones than last week, and next week there will be more good ones than this week. For those of you who wonder what 1lb fat looks like here's a pic......

Thankful for Hugs 3/1000

I am thankful for hugs.

Today felt like hug day, there we hugs to welcome my sister and her family home for a short holiday, hugs for my parents who treated us all to lunch. There were squishy hugs with my niece and nephew as we snuggled on the sofa playing games, and tonight were some special girlfriend hugs. One was for someone I wanted to know was not alone but have so few words to help them with and one was with one of my GiGs, (Girlfriend in God) that just said missed you and love you and I'm so blessed to have you in my life.

A Simple Hug by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

There's something in a simple hug
That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home
And makes it easier to part

A hug's a way to share the joy
And sad times we go through,
Or just a way for friends to say
They like you 'cause you're you

Hugs are meant for anyone
For whom we really care,
From your grandma to your neighbor,
Or a cuddly teddy bear

A hug is an amazing thing -
It's just the perfect way
To show the love we're feeling
But can't find the words to say

It's funny how a little hug
Makes everyone feel good;
In every place and type,
It's always understood

And hugs don't need new equipment,
Special batteries or parts
Just open up your arms
And open up your hearts

1000 things to be thankful for, 1&2

This morning has been a housework morning, getting the house straight before a family lunch...think that will be a good picture opportunity.

I read a blog recently that said the first place to start to get your house organised was the kitchen sink, give it one big clean then shine it daily, there was a whole load of other stuff that seems far too domesticated for me but a shiny sink was small enough for me to accomplish, so today I am thankful for my shiny sink, and sticking with the domestic goddess theme my second thankful is for a large working washing machine for the piles of clothes my family goes through

A journey of thankfulness ....

I have been inspired by two people I work with to start a new blog challenge. Dave Betts has started a blog a day for a year challenge and Heather Pocock blogged about a book she had read and the challenge to record those things we are thankful for.
Dave Betts Blog
Heather's Blog

Both these hit a chord with me, Dave's because I am terrible with starting and not sticking with things, I lose my way and then am too embarrassed or scared to start again, and Heather's because i really hate when I write a whole day off as a bad day because of one thing and go bed with a negative focus.

So I have that each day I will pictorially represent my 1000 things I am thankful for. These will not be epic photos, I am no photographer, but candid snaps on an iPad, or representative images. I will not be offering profound writing, just simple thoughts. My focus is just to develop a better attitude of thankfulness in me and if anyone else is along for the journey that's great too.

In a year it works out about 2.7 pics a day, so if I aim for 3 then that gives me about 30 days of grace if I fall behind. I am a girl who knows she needs grace, and who needs to remember deep within my spirit that whilst not everyday may be a good day, there will be good in every day..

Texts for Life

In my head at the start of the year I planned to restart blogging and aim for 20 episodes/ blogs for the year, giving me two a month with some grace leeway for the busy times.

So my second entry for the year is already belated and using a grace slot. It is part of a Sermon series we are running at Kerith Community Church with lots of guest bloggers, and today is my turn.

Please click through the links at some of the great previous entries and enjoy.

http://textsforlife.org/